10 Things I Would Like my Kid to Know About Parenthood

  1. I’m not sure if I should start with this one, considering that it is supposed to be a secret, but here it goes… I have no idea what I’m doing. I know that I’m not supposed to let you play video games all day and I am supposed to offer you vegetables. Other than that, it is just a lot of me throwing ideas to a wall and seeing what sticks. I’m not sure how your grandparents managed with me when I consider that they had me in their very early twenties. In my very early twenties I was still reeling after figuring out that the electric company wanted a payment EVERY month.
  2. Every parent has yelled. It is not just me. If someone says that they have never lost their patience, they are either lying or they are an alien. Either way, use caution when engaging.
  3. Before you were born, I had an idea of what you might be like as a kid. You are totally not that kid. That is okay. I love you way more than I could have ever loved that kid.
  4. If you are 30 and still blaming me for things that you don’t like about yourself, stop it. At some point you have to take responsibility for your behavior. If something isn’t working for you, change it. Don’t worry, a lot of grown ups haven’t gotten that one yet.
  5. If you ever get a puppy and think, “This must be what it is like to be a parent,” you are wrong. Well, the puppy might pee on you and break your stuff, but that is where the similarity ends.
  6. When everyone else is watching the fireworks, I am watching your face. You gave me a second childhood. Thanks.
  7. Be careful. If you break, I break.
  8. This goes along with #7. My first job is not to keep you happy. It is to keep you alive. I do want you to be happy, but sometimes I can’t do both at the same time.
  9. If there is something like a perfect mother out there, be glad that I am not her. Perfection is boring. The neighbor’s lawn is perfect. He doesn’t get even one dandelion. No dandelions, no free wishes.
  10.  You have seen me at my worst. I’m sorry about that, but at least you know that I’m not an alien.

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