I have never been tied to a fire ant hill while covered in honey. I can’t really speak about that, but that is not to say that I have not had to endure some form of torture. I have survived several rounds of the dreaded parent evaluation. For those unfamiliar with this wretched but necessary process, each parent has to evaluate their child’s deficits and strengths. The teachers also do one, and everyone compares so that we find the liar. At least for the first one, the liar was me.
I have no problem stretching the truth when it come to whether or not I hid vegetables in a dish, or about the existence of the Tooth Fairy. It does not, however, do anyone any good to lie on these evaluations. It is just SO hard not to do it, especially if some of that denial is still hanging around. The first time that I did one, I had the horrible feeling that I was betraying my child. I over thought every question. Every time that I had to check the box next to, “poor,” I felt guilty.
After a few pages of agony, I reached a question which I could mark, “excellent!” I was elated.
“Does your child engage in imaginative play?” Why, yes! Yes, he does! Oh, wait… there seems to be more…
“Does your child engage in imaginative play which does not involve acting out a scripted movie of television show?”
Damn it. I was so close.
Colin loves scripting. He is able to memorize long scenes in movies and then ask us to help him act them out. I thought it was funny and clever. His interest in Alvin and the Chipmunks ultimately led to the most unflattering Halloween costume to date when I caved in to being Theodore. Yes, the fat one.
He would watch everything so closely, never missing an inflection or gesture. Although, sometimes he did not hear all of the words right. Once he ran to get me because he was sure that the Disney Channel had gotten a bit racy.
Colin: “Mommy! The man on TV is talking about vaginas!”
Me: “Um… what? Did you change the channel to Dr. Oz or something?”
Since we live in the age of DVR, I rewound the show a few times over until I caught it.
Old Dude from Mulan: “The world will know what you have done for China.”
Say it fast.
If you are new to the parent evaluation, more are coming, but don’t worry. It gets easier. If you can’t check the box next to, “excellent,” then maybe you can write in some questions of your own. Such as…
“Is my child hilarious?”